This morning, I woke up to read an article on Ars Technica about the new pat downs that are coming to the nation’s airports. They intend to be extremely thorough. This, of course, is to embarrass people into sheepishly heading over to the full body scanners because they don’t want to be embarrassed. It is yet another piece of security theater designed to get you to step over to the backscatter line and do as you’re told. But just how creepy and thorough are they?

The new rules require agents to pay renewed attention to your crotch, and their hands won’t stop until they meet testicular resistance. (No word on quite how far they’ll go should you lack said testicles.)

Fortunately, I’m a woman, so they shouldn’t be finding any “resistance,” their cute keyword for testicles. They’re not going to find much on top either. Let’s just say, I’m not a Pamela Anderson type and I’d be lucky to hide a dollar in my bra. Anything bigger, say explosives or knives, and they’ll be obviously sticking out. So, what will they do with women?

I pointed out to the security officer that 50 percent of the American population has no balls (90 percent in Washington, D.C., where I live), so what is going to happen when the pat-down officer meets no resistance in the crotchal area of women? “If there’s no resistance, then there’s nothing there.”

“But what about people who hide weapons in their cavities? I asked. I actually said “vagina” again, just to see him blush. “We’re just not going there,” he reiterated.

If this man gets flushed at the word vagina, why does he have this job? If you act like a pre-pubescent boy when a word is mentioned, every woman on the planet is now going to come armed with words to make you uncomfortable and you won’t do the pat down correctly.

“TSA is in the process of implementing new pat-down procedures at checkpoints nationwide as one of our many layers of security to keep the traveling public safe. Pat-downs are one important tool to help TSA detect hidden and dangerous items such as explosives. Passengers should continue to expect an unpredictable mix of security layers that include explosives trace detection, advanced imaging technology, canine teams, among others.”

I asked him if he was looking forward to conducting the full-on pat-downs. “Nobody’s going to do it,” he said, “once they find out that we’re going to do.”

In other words, people, when faced with a choice, will inevitably choose the Dick-Measuring Device over molestation? “That’s what we’re hoping for. We’re trying to get everyone into the machine.” He called over a colleague. “Tell him what you call the back-scatter,” he said. “The Dick-Measuring Device,” I said. “That’s the truth,” the other officer responded.

So, not only are they pre-pubescent boys when it comes to women, they’re that way when looking at a penis through the backscatter machine too. I’m sure these highly trained operatives will be able to find hidden items easily.

I, for one, will not play their game. I’m not embarrassed easily. I will opt out of the machine. I will ask for a pat down. It won’t be any more effective than it is now. Pat down all my body parts you want. Not only am I concerned about the privacy issues of full body scanners, I do not believe they are entirely safe for your health. If a TSA agent wants to get his rocks off by patting me down, sobeit. I just hope he wears a gas mask as I’ll be sure to eat some beans and spicy food before I head to the airport. At least then he’ll remember me.